Yo! It’s The Camel here… again.
Ladies! Ladies! Thank you for that warm welcome! Please, my word count is tight, so we gotta move along.
Last week Josh wrote about how he and that red-headed girl that he hangs out with lost her car, but no one is talking about how all of these recent events are affecting ME.
What Josh failed to mention was that the red-headed girl had a Mazda Protégé, just like me, and that her name was Silver Sass, and that she was my best friend in the whole world. Sitting next to each other at home, we would trade war stories about that ridiculous drive that they put us through from Virginia to Colorado and keep each other warm during the cold Denver nights.
Then that little red-headed girl drove off one morning and I never saw Sassy again.
You think they held any kind of memorial service in her honor? Or asked me how I was handling it all?
What do these two clowns do? They immediately go looking for a new car to replace her!
And not even a new car, but a… gulp… SUV.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that red-headed girl talk about wanting “something bigger” with “all-wheel drive”. Well excuse me for getting you around the best I can in the meantime. You’re the yahoos that wanted to live in this climate, so don’t blame me.
They drove me out to a dealership this past Saturday and I’m not going to lie, I had I had to use my windshield wipers to wipe away tear when I saw them blow past me in this beautiful, dark red Land Rover SUV on a test drive. I knew it couldn’t be a good sign when they got back and were in the office a long time. Sure enough, about an hour later, they drive home in the Land Rover and gave my keys to Josh’s buddy, The Bull, to drive me home.
To borrow one of Josh's lines: Unbelievable.
I know what you’re thinking. Instead of being bitter, I should welcome and try to get to know the newest member of the family (they’re calling her “Hey, Red!” as of right now – that’s not even a real name. That’s an exclamation!), but believe me, I’ve already tried.
She’s one of those typical Colorado SUVs in that she’s good looking and she knows it.
I can already feel her looking down her hood at me with her good mileage, sunroof, leather interior (with heated front seats), and of course, her all-wheel drive. We attempted some awkward chit-chat for a few minutes, but I couldn’t help notice her getting distracted everyone time one of the big muscle trucks in our neighborhood drove by.
Josh keeps trying to convince me that this whole ordeal is a good thing for me. He says that now they won’t have to use me as much for long trips or journeys into the mountains and how that will hopefully add a few years to my life. I guess that could be nice. They took me up to Vail during a snowstorm on Valentine’s Day and it was like we had gone off-roading in Alaska.
But I also know that Josh is a couple months away from buying the motorcycle that he’s been pining for ever since I’ve known him. I guess my ultimate question is if they use the SUV during the winter and long trips and the motorcycle during the summer and shorter trips, when are they going to use me?
I know that I’ve racked up a ton of miles, and I know that they’ve put a lot of money into me over the last year. I’m grateful for that, I truly am. And I even realize that ever since Josh “accidentally” broke off my inside door handle on the driver’s side, that I’ve become an extremely less attractive option (since you now have to roll down the window and reach out to open the door), but c’mon on!
Oh wait… Josh is walking towards me!… he’s opening the door!...
He just got his sunglasses and then hopped into that Land Rover with that red-headed girl.
I GOT YOU HERE, SKINNY! YOU’D BE FLIPPING BURGERS BACK IN VIRGINIA WITHOUT ME!
Whoa, what’s this? Well, you will have to pardon moi because a pretty little two-door just pulled up next to me in our apartment parking lot. I am in the market for some friends, since Ol’ Slim and his girl are off joy riding in the Colorado sun.
I’m actually glad Sassy isn’t around to see this nonsense. It would break her already broken engine.
Rest in peace, dear friend.