LIVING LIFE: The Playoff Beard

As I have mentioned before, my Wife and I never argue about anything of actual importance; but our disagreements are always of the utmost significance to us.

Here is the transcript of a recent hum-dinger:

ME: It’s officially October! You know what that means, don't you?

MY WIFE: Yes! Cooler weather and awesome weekend trips to the mountains!

ME: And if by “awesome weekend trips to the mountains” you mean staying home to watch a ton of football and baseball playoffs, then you are correct!

MY WIFE: Ugh, is it really baseball playoff time, again?

ME: Yes… it is finally baseball playoff time again.

MY WIFE: You’re not going to grow that gross, scraggily playoff beard again are you?

ME: I HAVE to!

MY WIFE: No you don’t. It makes no difference on how your team plays!

ME: Umm… let’s review the facts.

MY WIFE: Here we go.

ME: In 2007, I didn’t grow the beard and they got swept in the first round. In 2008, I grew the beard and they won the World Series. In 2009, I grew the beard and they made it to the World Series and then I shaved the beard for that stupid Halloween costume and then they lost. I rest my case.

MY WIFE: But we were so cute as Joan and Roger!

ME: Yes, but I cost us the Series.

MY WIFE: And you almost cost your friendship with your buddy Gray in ’08 when you wore that thing as a groomsman during his wedding.

ME: Yes, but I can’t help that he scheduled his wedding during my favorite team’s first World Series appearance in 28 years.

MY WIFE: But you were in their pictures!

ME: But it was Game 3!

MY WIFE: Is Halloween during the World Series this year?

ME: Yep. Game 4 will be on Halloween night.

MY WIFE: So what costumes are we going to wear?

ME: I have no idea! That's almost a full month away. You can dress up as whatever you want.

MY WIFE: No, we have to be a matching couple! We’ve been Fred and Daphne, Joan and Roger and I thought we were going to be Jim and Pam from “The Office” this year.

ME: We can still be Jim and Pam.

MY WIFE: But Jim doesn’t have a beard!

ME: That we know of.

MY WIFE: No! We have to look authentic. What famous characters wear beards?

ME: I don’t know. I’ll just go as a baseball player again.

MY WIFE: NO! You did already two years ago!

ME: Because we won the World Series that year!

MY WIFE: You’re not wearing a costume you’ve already worn!

ME: We were living 2,000 miles away back then! No one out here will know!

MY WIFE: But I will!

ME: Fine. Let’s look online and see what famous characters have worn beards.

(We spend a few minutes doing an Internet search)

MY WIFE: Well, it looks like we’re down to Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jules Winnfield.

ME: What if I did Obi-Wan and you dressed up as Princess Leia in her Jabba’s palace costume?

MY WIFE: I can’t.

ME: Sure you can!

MY WIFE: Noooo, I can’t.

ME: I will grant you that costume is a little revealing–

MY WIFE: No, it's not that! It's because she’s not a redhead.

ME: Wait, what?

MY WIFE: She doesn’t have beautiful red hair like me, so I can’t be her.

ME: So let me get this straight. You can only dress up as female characters for Halloween that have red hair like yours - on a night where the whole point is to dress up as someone else?

MY WIFE: “Beautiful” red hair. Yes, that is correct. Daphne, Joan, Pam… seeing a pattern?

ME: Yeah, but I thought those were just convenient, not mandatory.

MY WIFE: Sorry, don’t know what to tell you.

ME: So what’s the list of remaining, available characters that have red hair–

MY WIFE: Uh, excuse me...

ME: Sorry, what is the list of remaining, available characters that have beautiful red hair?

MY WIFE: Of the top of my beautiful red head, I can think of Wilma Flintsone, Jane Jetson…

ME: Hey, I like that one! I could get a wig and be George Jetson!

MY WIFE: But he doesn’t have a beard!

ME: Well then you just better hope that we lose before we even get to the World Series so that I can find a more accommodating Halloween character to be with you!

MY WIFE (with a devilish grin): Well if that’s an option…

ME: DON’T YOU DARE!


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