Tuesday, October 5, 2010
LIVING LIFE: The Playoff Beard
As I have mentioned before, my Wife and I never argue about anything of actual importance; but our disagreements are always of the utmost significance to us.
Here is the transcript of a recent hum-dinger:
ME: It’s officially October! You know what that means, don't you?
MY WIFE: Yes! Cooler weather and awesome weekend trips to the mountains!
ME: And if by “awesome weekend trips to the mountains” you mean staying home to watch a ton of football and baseball playoffs, then you are correct!
MY WIFE: Ugh, is it really baseball playoff time, again?
ME: Yes… it is finally baseball playoff time again.
MY WIFE: You’re not going to grow that gross, scraggily playoff beard again are you?
ME: I HAVE to!
MY WIFE: No you don’t. It makes no difference on how your team plays!
ME: Umm… let’s review the facts.
MY WIFE: Here we go.
ME: In 2007, I didn’t grow the beard and they got swept in the first round. In 2008, I grew the beard and they won the World Series. In 2009, I grew the beard and they made it to the World Series and then I shaved the beard for that stupid Halloween costume and then they lost. I rest my case.
MY WIFE: But we were so cute as Joan and Roger!
ME: Yes, but I cost us the Series.
MY WIFE: And you almost cost your friendship with your buddy Gray in ’08 when you wore that thing as a groomsman during his wedding.
ME: Yes, but I can’t help that he scheduled his wedding during my favorite team’s first World Series appearance in 28 years.
MY WIFE: But you were in their pictures!
ME: But it was Game 3!
MY WIFE: Is Halloween during the World Series this year?
ME: Yep. Game 4 will be on Halloween night.
MY WIFE: So what costumes are we going to wear?
ME: I have no idea! That's almost a full month away. You can dress up as whatever you want.
MY WIFE: No, we have to be a matching couple! We’ve been Fred and Daphne, Joan and Roger and I thought we were going to be Jim and Pam from “The Office” this year.
ME: We can still be Jim and Pam.
MY WIFE: But Jim doesn’t have a beard!
ME: That we know of.
MY WIFE: No! We have to look authentic. What famous characters wear beards?
ME: I don’t know. I’ll just go as a baseball player again.
MY WIFE: NO! You did already two years ago!
ME: Because we won the World Series that year!
MY WIFE: You’re not wearing a costume you’ve already worn!
ME: We were living 2,000 miles away back then! No one out here will know!
MY WIFE: But I will!
ME: Fine. Let’s look online and see what famous characters have worn beards.
(We spend a few minutes doing an Internet search)
MY WIFE: Well, it looks like we’re down to Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jules Winnfield.
ME: What if I did Obi-Wan and you dressed up as Princess Leia in her Jabba’s palace costume?
MY WIFE: I can’t.
ME: Sure you can!
MY WIFE: Noooo, I can’t.
ME: I will grant you that costume is a little revealing–
MY WIFE: No, it's not that! It's because she’s not a redhead.
ME: Wait, what?
MY WIFE: She doesn’t have beautiful red hair like me, so I can’t be her.
ME: So let me get this straight. You can only dress up as female characters for Halloween that have red hair like yours - on a night where the whole point is to dress up as someone else?
MY WIFE: “Beautiful” red hair. Yes, that is correct. Daphne, Joan, Pam… seeing a pattern?
ME: Yeah, but I thought those were just convenient, not mandatory.
MY WIFE: Sorry, don’t know what to tell you.
ME: So what’s the list of remaining, available characters that have red hair–
MY WIFE: Uh, excuse me...
ME: Sorry, what is the list of remaining, available characters that have beautiful red hair?
MY WIFE: Of the top of my beautiful red head, I can think of Wilma Flintsone, Jane Jetson…
ME: Hey, I like that one! I could get a wig and be George Jetson!
MY WIFE: But he doesn’t have a beard!
ME: Well then you just better hope that we lose before we even get to the World Series so that I can find a more accommodating Halloween character to be with you!
MY WIFE (with a devilish grin): Well if that’s an option…
ME: DON’T YOU DARE!
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