My Wife is both the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me.
She is the best because she is loving, caring, and supportive. She is sweet but sophisticated, fun but has depth, and has a vivacious appetite for living life. She makes me want to be the man she needs.
She is the worst because I can’t pull anything past her.
Since we have been friends for so long, she already knew all of my tricks and schemes when we started dating. At first, this was comforting because I could finally relax in a relationship. There were a few times early on that I tried running from the commitment but she didn’t freak out and just wouldn’t let me go.
Being with someone more stubborn than me was pretty much my only hope of ever getting married.
But now that we have been married for almost a year, she knows how to handle me a little too well for my tastes. For example: whenever I didn’t want to participate in an event or activity in a previous relationship, I just whined and moaned about it enough until the other person didn’t want to listen to me anymore and finally gave up on my involvement.
This plane doesn’t even get off the ground with my Wife.
It all became obvious last week while I was watching the Major League baseball All-Star game and then I noticed her standing at the front door with a plate of cookies.
MY WIFE: Are you ready?
ME: For what?
MY WIFE: To take these cookies to Abby and her husband. I told you about this.
ME: WHO IS ABBY?
MY WIFE: The girl that we met at church a couple of weeks ago. They just got married and live in our apartment complex.
ME: We have to go now?
MY WIFE: Yes. She is not feeling well and I told her I would drop off some cookies and say congratulations on getting married, and oh, I don’t know, maybe be a good neighbor.
ME: But during the All-Star game?
MY WIFE: They live right next door. It will take all of two minutes.
(Two minutes later when we are still walking through our complex)
ME: You said they live right next door. We have already passed 20 “next” doors.
MY WIFE: They live at the other end of the complex.
ME: You said they live “next door”! The other end is like a mile away! We should have taken the car.
MY WIFE: We are not going to drive the car to another building within our own complex. Besides, the walk is good for us.
ME: I will walk with you anytime, just not during the All-Star game! You said it would only take two minutes so I didn’t record it or pause it. I just better not miss anything.
(Two minutes later when we are still walking and my cell phone is blowing up after the National League has taken a 3-1 lead on a dramatic bases loaded triple)
ME: UGGGGGGGH!!! WHERE ARE WE GOING???
(Two minutes later when we FINALLY get to their front door)
ME: Can you promise that you will just hand them the cookies so we can go?
MY WIFE: Of course, this is not going to take long. She’s not feeling well anyway.
(The husband answers and invites us in)
ME: Oh, we were just dropping off the cookies, we really don’t want to bother you.
MY WIFE: Well, we don’t want to be rude!
(She walks in)
The next 10 minutes were spent talking about their wedding, my Wife asking the other wife about planning a kitchen accessories party, and the other wife showing my Wife some of their wedding presents while me and the other guy stood there in the inevitable husband silence.
It was in that moment that I realized that my Wife is a genius criminal mastermind. She knew all along how far away their house was, she knew that it was going to take longer than two minutes and she still somehow got me to go with her.
I may have been kicking and screaming the whole time, but she still got me to go with her.
Her real brilliance is that she is smart enough not to fight with me because she knows that’s what I want. If I can get someone bickering with me, I know that I can eventually wear them down. But somehow she maintains a positive demeanor throughout and doesn’t show any vulnerability to my attacks.
Do I really not get to her? That's what I can't figure out. Or is she just sweeping it under the rug for now and one day it’s going to explode in the form of her tell-all memoirs titled, “That Guy Was Such a Pain in My Face”.
I honestly can’t tell yet but I’m enjoying the process of getting to know someone better as we navigate through this existence together.
Even though she’s already got me pegged.
Follow Josh on Twitter @Just_Being_Josh