Monday, April 14, 2008

The Rules

A couple of weeks I ago I was wandering around the local Barnes & Noble when a book titled “The Rules: A Man’s Guide to Life” caught my eye. Basically it is a book of 668 simply stated rules and guidelines for every man to live by that was complied by a bunch of writers and editors from “Esquire” magazine.

At first, I thought it was nothing more than a humorous take on life (Rule No. 18: No talking at the urinals. Rule No. 23: If you become annoyed with a telephone customer-service representative, be aware that the words “I’d like to speak to your supervisor” are generally understood to mean “I’d like to speak to your friend in the next cubicle who will pretend to be your supervisor.” Just so you know. Rule No. 347: Captain Crunch should be Admiral by now.)

Then, I became increasingly surprised with how much I agreed with most everything that was included (Rule No. 63: People with state pride are to be strictly avoided. Rule No. 75: The ampersand should be more popular. Rule No. 518: Something probably happened in Delaware but nobody knows what that its, not even people in Delaware.)

And by the end, I was beginning to think that I had written the book myself (Rule No. 160: No straws. Rule No. 310: Never wave at a video camera. Rule No. 491: Scoreboard races demean us all.)

Actually, in the whole book, there was only rule that disappointed me. Rule No. 125: Nobody named “Josh” is over 35. Seriously? Because “Joshua” sounds like an old preacher man that would offer you a place to stay while you cross the Oregon Trail.

I’ll take my chances with “Josh”, thanks.

But other than that, I really believe that if we could get just half of the world to live by just half of these rules, country line dancing clubs would go out of business, there wouldn’t be any more obtrusive advertisements all over every corner of the screen during your favorite TV shows, and there would never be another movie starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

As good as the book was, however, it just didn’t feel complete; so I had to add a couple of Rules of my own (please feel free to add any that you can think of as well). NOTE: A couple of mine will be familiar to those who have read my stuff over the past couple of years but I had to get them on the record as official Rules.

So, here ya go.

Rule No. 669: You can’t get a ticket for driving through green light so why are you putting on your breaks?

Rule No. 670: It’s always “water, no lemon”.

Rule No. 671: Every time you have to sit at a reception waiting for the bridal party to finish taking pictures, you lose precisely 14% of your will to live.

Rule No. 672: Do not plan your wedding for the same day as a major sporting event.

Rule No. 673: Just go with July or August to be on the safe side.

Rule No. 674: There are exactly 82 real New York Yankee fans, 56 real Dallas Cowboys fans, and 35 real L.A. Lakers fans in the world right now.

Rule No. 675: Never take a pink Starburst candy unless it’s offered to you.

Rule No. 676: And even then you have to respond with a sincere “are you sure?”

Rule No. 677: Don’t wait until it’s your turn at the front of the line at a busy coffee shop, concession stand, or fast-food restaurant to look at the menu for the first time.

And finally, and maybe most importantly:

Rule No. 678: When you have 47 pennies that means you have 47 CENTS, not 47 cent. Failure to use the plural form will result in a public stoning.

That’s all I have for now but this is something that I feel will be regularly revisited and updated.

Did I leave anything out?


Anonymous said...

I love country line dancing, and I also love the "Rock" in several movies, so agree to disagree there..but the Deleware rule is true and made me laugh out loud.


Jesse Phipps said...

I'm not sure if those were "rules" in the sense of "rules of the game". They were more rules in the sense of, "if you drop something, it falls". That being said, this book sounds rediculous... I think the number 1 rule of manhood should be, "No man should claim to be a sports fan if the only sports he follows is one football team".